Well, I've redone my room because I got bored of te old look; it seems to be a monthly tradition..

It's getting colder and I like it alot, sounds a bit selfish but hey if someone doesn't like it they can just throw on a big coat. I'm kinda psyched about getting a tree and putting all the mushy ornaments on it. It brings me back to a simpler time I suppose, soon I'll be driving and it's weird. My father's going to pay me 2,000 dollars simply for passing my driver's license tests, a reward he calls it; I feel kind of infanitlized though.

I had a really weird section of an insane dream a few days ago in which a former trist just kinda popped in and creeped me out. I'm waking into the building and I'm about to press the elevator call button and out of nowhere Towayn just pops in and starts yapping directionlessly about something I can't even remember. I look away toward the elevator door and then he somehow closes in more and his voice just gets louder, it's even more obnoxious than before. It was over just as soon as it started but it just kinda stuck in my head days later.

Noriyuki Morita otherwise known as "Pat" Morita or Mr. Miyagi from the karate Kid films died and it's really sad cause I liked the guy. I've got a really big soft spot for funny old people and he was that, not to mention he did alot to educate younger people. I'll miss him. While on the subject of death, it's been really sad lately. I've lost alotta "famous people" I looked up to or really enjoyed. Moustapha Akkad, who without I and a billion others wouldn't have HalloweeN. He and his daughter were caught in an explosion in Jordan, she died instantly and her father died a fews days later from their injuries. I know I used to chide him for making the HalloweeN series crap but I never had anything against the man himself. R.I.P.

When Eddie Guerrero died, boy that didn't hit me too well. In fact when I watched the testimonials alot of other wrestlers made I started crying my self. I used to not be able to stand him but later on I found I liked the guy he was awesome and a great villian to boo. Or later on a funny guy to cheer with his "I'm YOUR PAPI!" shirt, which was just adorable. When he and Rey used to team up I used to fucking love it, and how they'd celebrate their victory by hugging all tight and showing affection used to really make me wanna every week. Secretly, in my twisted mind I used to have my own ideas as to what would happen in the locker room between 'em in the locker room but uh that's a story for the fan-fic pages. Then Eddie went nutso and eventually after all the "Domonic subplot" was over they turned him back into Latino Heat and he was great. If there's heaven, Eddie has to be there. I can only imagine what his family must be going through.

R.I.P. Eddie. I'll miss ya man.

Seems everyone wants to join the military, I will too!! No, I kid. My brothers are heading in that direction and I'm not gonna protest something they really want to do, for whatever reason. We all have goals, as human beings there's a part of all of us that wants to "move forward" and to them this must be really important. I hope everything turns out the way they want it but not without a challenge.

Can't wait to move, even though it's a bit down the line it's gonna happen!! So, I'm happy. I've never moved before so it's kind of exciting.

I finally spoke to Kao's boyfriend who's got a really chiseled face that I like, he kinda reminds me of a Baldwin brother. Funny. His voice is sweet and he's got a few things in common with me. He's got a good head on his shoulders oh and Anime. When I played Super Drive and he recognized the song and said "Gravitation" I knew this guy was coooooool. Serisouly though, he's a good guy. I hope it all turns out well for them both.

Oh yeah, Kao's hair is all fucked up or something. He's wigging out, no pun intended.

I think that's all there is to update about at this point.

Best wishes to everyone. God, that sounds gay.

Well, it seems this thing is only good for pointless encouragements to myself and when something bad happens...

My grandmother, Elaine is gone. She wasn't blood related to me or anything but she practically raised me whenever my mom was working or out or something. She smoked 2 packs a day since God-knows-when and eventually she quit in 2002 or something. Whenever she needed something, anything at all I'd do my best to show up like lightning and help her out, she was like a grandmother after all.. Right across the hall she'd be with her husband Gene. Their asshole grandaughter through all the betrayals and bullshit she pulled, Elaine still tried to keep her... Then she gets pregnant and is on boyfriend number 645, comes back to freeload and Elaine gives in.. She takes off with about 10,000 dollars just because when she asked for it Elaine said no. Bitch. Anyway when Gene died, Elaine lost something in her. With the 50 times in between they had both been to the hospital and their grandaughter causing trouble, she was just worn out. So she would spend the rest of her days buying and spending money left for her, and trying to find someone who'd be with her in some form or another. I'd be there with her to do what I could to help...

She wanted to go for a while now, "I'm tired" she used to say..

I'm gonna miss her, alot. Maybe forever..


The wake's gonna kill me tomorrow but I gotta try and think of all the memories I have of her, besides she just say "Aw, come on.. Don't worry about me.." She was a tough ol' bird, just like they said.

R.I.P., Elaine.

Well, I haven't been to my job in a while, at first it was my fault. To makea long story short, I may have already lost the off-the-books gig in demo because it's such a hardnose type of job. I want a movie related job already... Suncoast HAS to hire me.

ALso, my birthday's tomorrow and I'm throwing a party but as usual I have a feeling something's going to happen. The world doesn't care what's going on when it's gonna do something wrong.

Well, I wish myself a happy birthday and hope something nice'll happen even if it's brief. As for what's gone down in the last few months, it's all been such an obnoxious blur. Summer's over, I'm glad for that.

Not to jinx anything but....

I'M HAPPY!

Well, after a long period of bullshit and almost personified bad luck...I'm happy again.

It's a demolition job but hey, it's rewarding and I get $560.00 a week!!!

So yeah, happies!!

Bye, Journal! Hope my next entry is just as happy or even uh happier!!

And so ends the tomultuous relationship that involved Christopher Spencer. There came a point where I realize, some people ARE indeed better than others; it's unavoidable. A fact of life, as hard as rock. There are those who contribute to society or people as a whole, and there are those who cause misery and eventually begin to take pride in it. Chris has fortunately or unfortunately taken the path of an angry child on a rampage that is actually something completely different than what he claims as an epiphany. Epiphanies are by nature, realizations that help move an idea forward or create something new. In fact, I don't even want to spend more than a paragraph or two on him, I found out he "don't like" me either but comes over to see me because I "make sense sometimes". Those are his words, they hurt a bit but I'm going to go with dropping it as I have dropped him. Man.... I've been angry at the world, but I've refused to take it out on easy targets like I did before, like straight people, "thugs" and people who've made me angry etc. Chris wasn't "wit it" after he had encountered somebody trying to fuck him up, he won and then had some "epiphany" that the positive/negative balance of life revolved around all of us and some other nonsense about the absolute truth. HIs mind is warped, and not in the way to be admired like some monster from our history.. It's cringe-worthy. Otherwise I would've thrown the punch he asked me to hit him with, but I couldn't hate the asshole... Only pity him, sure I felt like a pussy but I wasn't. It took my brother to remind me that, but afterwards I felt good. He was right, so were my friends... I didn't do what he did. Apparently, that makes me a better man, so hey...cool.

Still, My brother bleeds from a fight where the only person really fighting was Chris and for nothing important, my brother could find not an iota of motivation to hit him. His provoking comments notwithstanding, Xavier still didn't give in until he had parked Tifanny's car and Chris shoved him. He's wanted to fight Xavier for a long, long time. He was just looking for the fight, he wanted it even if Xavier didn't. The entire reasoning behind his hatred was foolish pride and arrogance, not any real "betrayal" as he melodramatically announced. He's taking his anger out on everyone else but himself. Life is hard, take it out on yourself. He's not evil or devious or a mastermind, he's anything but the "realest nigga" unless that means being reckless. Which isn't a quality it's a chosen flaw, self-control is a quality. Something wrong but it's certainly not evil or intelligence, vengeance is never justified but is often lauded by men. I wanted to hit him, but something stopped me. I knew I probably wouldn't have won, if I did hit him. The point was, he made my little brother bleed, I believe I'm supposed to beat his ass right? X didn't want me to and I just couldn't. Heh. How droll.

In the end, just because you can, doesn't mean you should. That goes for anyone with "power". So yeah, fuck you Chris. Although, I can't hate you, I wish I could. However, that'd mean I hold you in the same respect as myself and others, but I can't. Not after this. Me? Fag or not, pacifist or not, I have control and patience to understand. I really can't picture myself wanting to hit somebody because of some rationale that follows "I don't like dat" as it's root. The sad thing is you probably don't care, that's the only part deserving of pity or time. Ignorance is just another word for fear, so yeah go on and fight your father as you said. Make sure you tell him and your mom you lost your job first, because you were unwilling to accept humility and drop the arrogance. Ah, fuck this.

You can fight, that's it. A mere hood who dreams big and doesn't adapt.

Well wherever the fuck you are, that's all the energy I can dispense on you. Just a little more than two perfectly constructed paragraphs and an ending sequence no movie could ever top.

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In other news, I had a great day today at least, all that rain and thumping music really made me feel alive. Despite the night that followed, I'm still optimistic even if it's stupid to do so. It doesn't hurt to hope, and that makes sense to me so I'm gonna stay that way. There are plenty of pessimists out there, I don't need to always be one.

I hope tomorrow's a better day.


P.S. To those I was talking to on AIM last night... Sorry, I had to leave without warning, again; my apologies..

Well, I've been writing a fic as of late, though I've managed to completely create something that I think is great from a concept so minimalistic. Big, little guy. When I'm done, I intend to post it over at FF.net or Fandomination.

I picked up Marvel Legends 9 and have completely drained my money source, time to save up again for Series 10 which was what I was aiming for. Galactus is huge..

Um, let's see what else? I'm kinda bored with my life at the moment, well sorta but not really. I'm hapy but I know there's an endless ammount that's reachable.

I've gotta raise my standards...

Still no new boyrfiend, it'd be cool to have one now that I think about it. It has to be someone completely devoid of any similarities to my previous lovers. Reason being, just because. I've never had a boyfriend who doesn't nag, so maybe I'll find one who just likes me unconditionally. Regardless of statements made to me by the others, it's not entirely true and vice versa for me.

Also, I've gotta get this evil Seduction of The Innocent thing that's been mindfucking me since February. Thing is I don't care, but I'm told I should. Fuck that, I think I'm gonna go with what I want, and stop making stupid compromises as opposed to comrpomises that are fair. So yeah, I'm gonna try and find someone exactly like me, someone who digs fantasy without the fairydust or the mush or the drama.

Apparently, someone I know is going to die soon. Unless it's not true, and just for shock value or a product of hyperbole. If it's true, all I can say is it's been a great ride.

Been rather bummy the last few days and nothing memorable's happened, except a few completely negative turns on my connection with the people I know. My brother is a dick, My mother is obsessed with subjecting herself to other people's mistakes and their following consequences.

So yep, ever since Monday I've been increasingly sulking in my supposed uselessness and daydreaming and on a Hagaren fixx. M said he'd drop by today with a pack of smokes but he hasn't showed yet, I wonder what happened?. Anyway, He's doing ok, his friend from Liberal, Kansas is a hottie. I spoke to Court as recent as last night, and his family are really a bunch of ignorant, simple-minded dickheads. I've realized that for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling the effects of a strange empty sadness. A feeling usually replaced with apathy or my now cliche dismissive remarks. Balance or Equivalent Exchange doesn't seem to exist at all lately, so maybe I'll wind up feeling this for a while and return to normal but not exactly happy.

Anyway, then there's another thing that's been happening. Every now and then he just pops in my head and it kills me that I can't do anything without making things horrific for him. I suppose it's a classic case of forbidden love, and maybe that's what makes it more thrilling than anything. Fuck, I can sometimes feel him in my tight hold smiling, asking me questions and wanting to know things. The scent of his hair after it's been shampooed a little damp and me ruffling it. Not to mention kissing him all over, and he always returns the favor with a smile. The whole thing is really kinda maddening yet comforting. Still, maybe I'll see him one day soon, atleast I hope so. His disappearance has got me depressed, all the things that make up what I love about him. Fuck. Even if sometimes my feelings are cold to him because I'm angry with myself, he knows I care about him more than most. If I could just see him, I mean he wouldn't even have to console me or speak, just be there in front of me with his innocence. How pitiful, how my sin and I hurl ourselves further into this tunnel of madness but he's there with me and he knows it, and he doesn't care.

Ultimately, I can be with anyone in some relationship and put up with their squabbling, judging and perhaps my decision to squabble back is just as stupid. Alas, no matter how much I may care about them, he is the only one etched deeply in my soul. Always.

*sigh* I realize the entire situation has become my dilemma, because in the end no matter which direction it heads it's gonna be a terrible result. He and I are both ready to take whatever punishment there is for our trangression, if love is indeed strong than what did I feel with all the others? Perhaps, I've dwelled on this too long and I couldn't help but write it down to release myself selfishly from my shame. Why does he feel no shame? Such a question. Only he knows the answer to it, whatever it may be he must love me more than I do him. He doesn't give a shit about the consequences of what we have or the sickly and smug morality that looms over us in annoyance. Over me.

*sigh* I feel torn.

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Rey Mysterio's secret's about to be revealed, gotta catch Smackdown... It's probably gonna be Rey's not Dominik's father.


EDIT: 9:49pm.. I was right, Rey's not the kids father.

It's called being lazy. Or in my case, a 20 year old with no job and having only "Voluntary Senior Transporter" under my belt. I WANT A JOB, and I say no one's gonna give me one. So let's see, I'll be positive when I go out today; let's see if Karma will be nice to me rather than a bitch.


Also, I've realized my younger brother is superior to me, this alone has made me irattionally mad. To the point where I wish I was the type of brother who'd beat the shit out of him just for looking at me. I truly hate my brother right now, not out of jealousy but because the truth doesn't have to hurt. People just like to make it hurt, and they want that fucking audience so why not have a friend or two in the same room while making a fool out of me. I don't need anyone right now except myself, I don't want to talk to anyone either. I will not be the fuck-up I am, when I get my first check, it's going straight to my mother. It's pittens, compared to what she's done for me but I know it might make her happy. Seeing as today is her birthday, perhaps taking the entire day to go out looking for a job is just what might help.

I now hate alot of people right now. It used to happen all the time, then it stopped. Now I'm remembering why, many of the rewarded and lucky are built to stomp on the lesser. The more I write this rant, the more I'm losing my motivation.


DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF YOU FUCKING PRAT. GET OUT THERE.

YOU FUCKING LOSER. IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT, NOW FIX IT.

I like went out today!!

I bought myself stuff!!

I Have only 20 cents left to my name!! For real!

Gravitation has ended... I'm real sad. It was a great way to end it all though! Though Maki Murakami says maybe she'll come back one day with Gravitation EX or something!! :) 12 Volumes all to myself if I wanna reread them to cheer myself up.

I bought myself Gargoyles Season One and I can't wait to get a Garg fix so I can watch it!

Also, I gave in and bought me the 90's series of Fantastic Four so I have like no monies left...

It was really hot outside! Like sticky hot! Not the good kind either!

So yeah, um that's like about it, Mr. live journal thingy!

Only 22 cents to my name!! Bummer. : (



Still, more stuff soon will I get!! SUGOI!!!

Well, looking toward the coming months... Maybe I'll utter Sugoi at some point...

Here's my wish list so far, and I'm not sure if this is the whole deal yet, I could change it anytime..


Fantastic Four Animated Series - July 05 - This came out already but I haven't bought it yet for some reason. Maybe it's because currently my goal is to save up so I can go crazy later.

Fullmetal Alchemist Vol. 4 - July 26 - Hagaren is one of my fixes and even though they take forever to release a volume it's always good when one's on the horizon...

Gravitation Volume 12 - July 12 - It's finally over, and it's fucking sad dammit. I wonder what'll happen. I'm startin' to feel all sad now.

Marvel Legends 10 "Sentinel Series" - Supposedly August or September - I'm worried about this one like hell, I mean sure I could get em online but what worries me is will I be able to have them all without scalpers trying to get em all to sell them at some ridiculous price... I want to build my own Sentinel dammit!

AMADEUS DVD - I've always wanted to see this movie. I wanna buy it actually.]

PINNED! - Can you believe it? Muscled Yaoi! It's a fucking miracle, I have to pick this up, mainly because every shonen-ai and or yaoi book I've ever read is always Seme/Uke sweet fluff as opposed to uh big guy bond/fuck fluff.

GRAVITATION OVA on DVD!!!! This wasn't as good as the anime but I just think as a completeist and because it has some hilaiour moments...I have to have this.

Uhhh, that's all I can think of affording right now....

"HOLD UP!" says K. from Gravitation.


So yeah, this morning rocked. They brought back the 90's Fantastic Four (2nd Season) and I caught Spidey 90's Secret Wars episodes afterward. Juan came up later on. Xavier removed his cable upgrades, but the channels I had poaid for went off along with hit. So now I have to buy them back...

Seems I pushed a few buttons with an entry I made, I worded a part of it wrong so it's really my fault. Minor mistake. The release dates of a bunch of things I want this year are almost here!

Can't wait! Though it saddens me Gravi is gonna end on July 12th, true the last few volumes have been a little shaky in terms of keeping me in full-grip but hey all good things must come to an end... Maybe Yuki'll just continue lightening up since what happened in Vol. 11. Here's hopin'.

Despite the horrible to ok reviews of Fantastic Four, I still want to see it but my already shaky enthusiasm is now at a real low... Still, Ben is hot so maybe he's the only reeason to see it. Jody wanted me to go with her and her friends to see it today but I passed on the fact that I like to see movies undisturbed and it's real easy for that to happen on opening day in a crowded showroom. Well, I'm all alone in the apartment right now, and I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll fix it up a bit, or watch Hagaren for a while.

Nothing's happened. Either that or I need to get out more like many people say. Still, what the hell am I supposed to do about it? Force myself to go out and then what.. Go up to random people and say "Hey." Fat chance. Terrible about London, though it isn't as big in scope as 9/11; it fucking [b]saddens[/b] people are killing in the name of their supposedly "real god". I say that to all sides. God in whatever incarnation, does not justify death unless you're fucking crazy... No, I'm not talking about the "crazy" high school kids and even college outcats yearn to be, I mean criminally insane. Which in fiction is wonderful to witness in my opinion.

Miguel's gung-ho about kissing me, it's rather flattering though I don't see the productive point. His motive is something like: "I wanna remember so I can just let it go." Though, rightfully so people have told me it's a bad idea, that it could make things weirder for him or something.
Either way, he didn't come over the day he said he would, which is no problem. I slept late anyway that day, the point is I think it's pretty self-destructve. Then again, what gay guy isn't when in a rut. Also, I don't wanna kiss Miguel, not for any particular reason. It's simply that I don't want to, but I'm doing it for him. The whole premise is awkward, I don't really see Miguel in that light much anymore, he's solidified in my mind as a good friend. Still, as I said if it's gonna make him drop the idea of being with me and him moving on to much better people fitted for the role? I'll help him. Plus, Marino is a guy he likes. I'm pretty sure he wants to get together with him once he trusts him enough, he continually tries again and again. I'd merit his efforts if I could actually understand why he NEEDS to be with someone. I'm not him, so perhaps I'll never understand it.

Fantastic Four opened today, even if the movie sucks; The Thing's hotness will make up for it... It'd be nice to find a one-night date or to go with someone to see the movie. Just don't know who.. If anything I'll go for a $7.00 show at noon or something, less people.

Oh and another thing...

MARRIAGE ISN'T A SALAD BAR!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

I took my first sexually questionable pic tonight.I did a bad, bad thing.

Rain by Cryo.

Rain, rain come this way, don't wait for another day.
Soak all the pointless, expensive clothing so I can be laughing on the floor rolling.
See them run see them complain, I've been laughing so hard I'm feeling the pain.
Wet them, break them, show them -- You will shower over them in reign.
Cancel their plans, keep them indoors, the streets will be just mine and always yours.
So Rain Rain come this way, my troubles you'll rinse away.
The street are getting slick, I think I'll go outside and play.

Well Sunday I went to the gay pride parade, I really didn't want to go at first but after a while I said fuck it and decided to go with Tiffany, Cynthia, Steve and Cynthia's Mom! She's really cool, no doubt and we had fun for the most part even though we basically didn't even catch the damn parade. Just the last few banners and this one evil float that everywhere we cut through would be following us, a gay church or looping this gospel song over and over. Eek. Talia (Cyn's mom) bought us Taco Bell, and it was my first time eating there, pretty good after all. It was so fucking hot, I can't wait till the summer ends because I hear it's just beginning. Scary thought.

Steve's been chilling with me the last few days, I'm kinda fond of the bastard in a purely platonic way though; he's one of the few that 'get it'. I don't really need to explain alot of what I say in terms of beliefs and stuff, we usually end up discussing things I don't with other people. I kinda like that, so when he comes over it's hard to get mad at him or anything, sometimes he's just really weird, I mean double-take weird. The kind that warrants one of those silences you'd see in an anime especially when someone says something off. While in Manhattan, I took it upon myself to pull a Peter Parker and used a digi-cam to capture Greewnich Village in all it's photogenic glory, so yeah we had fun.

It got beautifully cool at night, I'd say about 55* or so; nice temp to come home to.

Jody came over today to watch the L Word but we couldn't so we talked for 3 hours or so. I learned Ramon was robbed of his cell phone while walking back home at about 3 in the morning. Samantha and Jody were with him
on south broadway, Ramon had his Nextel on his belt, some guy walked by ripped it off; Ramon turns and he gets punched in the face. He didn't cry though, just tended to his injury and waiting 5 calls to the cops before they got there. Samantha went psycho on the operator, and Jody cried because of what happened; it's hard to come to terms of a pretty good day shattered by humanity's pathetic slime. Whew, got carried away there. Ahem.

So yeah, she liked JC2 ok; jumped a bunch of times and we had a good time and interesting conversation. Jody left, Clara just came in, and Steve's dead in the room behind me.


I want it to rain already, it makes me feel good but it's really taking it's time. Come winter, I'll be a alot less irittable.


Well, um that's about it.

I went out today, bought some food-stuffs and overall it was an alright day.

I got me a Scarecrow figure off Mattel's BAtman Begins line, sure he doesn't look anything like that in the movie but it's ok. Also, I bought the Gamcube version of the game and it's ok; I guess I just haven't gotten into it. Either that or it just doesn't grab me like I thought it would, it's standard fare Lisenced gaming and a bit too easy.

Um, let's see I have smokes and quite a lot of frozen TV dinners and I'm not sure what I'm gona do tomorrow but Courtney nagged me about coming over so maybe I'll just stay here. Speaking of Courtney, even though I'm his friend I'll now have to agree that he's not to be taken in large doses. Last night, when he called me, I actually bit back the urge to vent this frustration of being on the phone with him after I asked him a question and he answered with an annoying tone.

I haven't seen Miguel since prom night (which sucked ridiculously), I need to pay him back.

Right now there's this car stopped in the middle of the street backfiring uncontrollably and it's so loud, yeesh.

Guess, that's it.

So yeah, here's what happened.

We were supposed to get there at about 8:00pm, and we arrived at 10:40pm.

I gave my donation and was fully expecting it to suck. At least everyone else there was having a good time. I just sat and watched and had a few bites of chicken and later some cake.

They played "Dancing Queen" by ABBA.

Miguel looked like a wreck.

Towayn was there. I denied Jodie a dance, felt bad only now.

Prom ended at midnight.

Left in a hurry.

Some guy said something along the lines of "Stupid Gay & Lesbian Prom or something, I've never heard of that." I fought the urge to do something.

Started heading home with Leanne and 'Brina tailing us and wondering what to do next.

I say under my breath "This day couldn't possibly get any more annoying."

...wait for it...........then.


We get pulled over by the cops for having our headlights off. Tiff didn't have her license and was preparing to get arrested, she got lucky and nothing except an order to drive instead of Troy.. Troy, however, gets lucky and is only hit with a citation... It's probably gonna be expensive..

Almost got into an accidenton the Saw Mill.

Arrived in South Yonkers.

Starting to get inexplicably annoyed. Trying to not be.

Picked up Steve at Schlobaum, got on the way again.

Headed for "The Gas Station", I coulda swore I saw "him" (Yeah, the CD player bum from months ago); decided to not start anything. My night was crummy enough.

Finally got angry.

Still Angry.

Home now with them. Tryo, Tiffany, Steve, Courtney and Xavier.




Quiet as a corpse....

Still angry at 1:56am..

I was actually hoping today would be a good day, and things came out okay in the end. I don't wanna be pissed anymore.

Saw the movie today at 1:00pm, it rocked. Bale is a great Batman and probably THE Bruce Wayne I've waited for a long time. Morgan Freeman was his smart-ass usual role but he owned, surpringly I liked Katie Holmes as Rachel and Michael Caine as alfred... It's fucking Michael Caine, 'nuff said.

As for the other half of characters. Liam Neeson kept my attention the whole time, Ra's Ah Ghul was kept in the shadows for most of the film and he was awesome. As for Scarecrow, I think I have a slight thing for Cillian Murphy; probably because he looks insane yet pretty or something.

The last scene of the movie, was the cherry on top. Period.

Overall GREAT movie. ***out of ****

When I left the theatre, it started drizzling all the way home. I've had a very nice day today as opposed to yesterday so I'm happy.

That's about it for now.

Well, I'm gonna go and watch some Batman Animated series and take a nap....after some food of course.

Well, Thursday was one of those days where things just come out of nowhere and either get worse or better depending on how you're feeling. Headed to Rockaway Beach with Troy, Tiffany, Cynthia; it was cool but I can't help but feel if more people went it would've rocked. It's official, I can't stand the heat but I can't get outta the damn kitchen. Murderous, especially when we got stuck in traffic with no air breezing in the car.

Got there, we had fun and I now am reminded of just how bad salt water is. We ate then started heading back..

Got stuck in traffic again but worse this time.

When I got home is when the day got ridiculously interesting, there's tension, plot points and melodrama. My friend Chris appears to have found himself and while I'm truthfully happy for him, there's also truth in me now having to start from scratch in getting to know him again. Yeah, it's that much of a change. He'll follow every impulse violent or not, will apparently tell it like it is to the tee no matter how it will affect everyone else.

That day, I made a comment about my best friend Juan (who has become the subject of many people's worries) that was uncalled for, I see it now but honestly didn't find anything wrong with it when it left my mouth. Besides, I'm sure there've been plenty of comments about me for who knows how long; when I do see him though I'm going to apologize for it even though he doesn't know. In fact, that's why it's bothering me; it feels like I'm talking shit and for a long time now I get squicky about shit-talking. I don't wanna be a hypocrite.

Anyway, back to the main subject. Chris is probably going to be new to me himself so now I have to get used to that, I still want him to be my friend. Sure, it's official that now we are at either end of the spectrum on one subject but he's still my friend, I've known him a long time just can't quite remember how long. As for the slight tension between my brother and Chris I don't know whjat to think, however I better not be forced to take sides because that's prepubescent nonsense. Words are words, fists are fists. Chris has basically relinquished emotion to his id now, he's intelligent but I really see most of his new outlook counter-productive not healthy.

By the way, I considered and contemplated suicide tonight seriously. I was going to drink all 34 pills I had left in my medication bottle and leave my favorite songs playing over and over while I drifted away. I've never actually considered doing it before, only had momentary thoughts whenever I felt extremely bad.

The excuse? Self-Hatred/Shame of being part of the human species. How Men</i> fuck it up, and how it's actually true and how Women</i> do nothing more than spread the species....

That's when I lost it, nothing made sense; I didn't know what was real anymore and millions of thoughts about the world shattered my sanity. As much as I like to kid by saying things like "I'm crazy.", I completely lost it from 12:30am till 2:30am. I don't want to get into it.

Even though I chose to live after some listening, it is all still true. Still saddens me.

After my nervous breakdown a few hours ago while talking to Miguel, I've awakened too, I'm going to promise myself and him to be a good guy to myself and especially those that I care about. I shouldn't be so misanthropic towards the people I love, after all they love me right? I can be a contemptous dickhead and give out smart alec answers. They don't deserve that, not that I didn't care about them before.. Just that I didn't think about such things until they were really needed, I didn't show it all the time.

Another thing, to love myself completely so that I can feel I can do almost anything with my life. It feels good to help or be kind to people, and it helps them too so it's a nice mutual relationship. I'm not going to anticipate trouble anymore, all it does is ruin and rule my days. Shit happens, and there's not alot you can do about it without becoming just like them. I can't help it if for every good person out there, there just happen to be 2 antagonists who don't know any better.

From now on I'll just remind myself that for every bad thing that happens a good thing will almost always follow.

Something I dismissed years ago has come to slap me in the face, Self-Control is an important part of human life I've realized now, it keeps us humane if there is such a thing. It's easy to let all that go and take charge but I now believe it's not the best thing to do. Letting go to your baser insticts and impulses doesn't help anyone but yourself and even then it will have consequences. Everything has consequences. The proof's everywhere, turn on the news.

I said all this to Chris today when we were having our talk. To be fair, I actually considered with a passion to just say "Fuck it" and just not give a shit anymore. It's understandable, there is alot of fucked up shit out there. However, I realized it's just not me even if I tried it wouldn't be anywhere near as powerful as others.

So yeah, my goal from now on is to as they say "do me" but my friends and especially family are priceless. To just dismiss them as "meh." whenever drama comes up is just downright mean. I'm going to do whatever I have to to be happy, that crazy balance of light and dark that apply in life sucks sometimes but hey-- I'm glad for it.


As for Miguel, it didn't surprise me when thinking about what he said, things made sense again. He's an amorous person, it fits.


It's a crazy world, it's my decision to try and make sense of it all with an open mind.

Tomorrow, I might go to the pool again.